A Visit to the Loving Mother


I've had her visit on my calendar for over a month now, yet know that
each time in the past when her time has arrived, I find some excuse to
not go and visit - job, other plans, no one to go with, too tired. Yet
she has come from over 5,000 miles away to tirelessly devote herself to
her children, to give blessings, offer healing, and establish a divine
presence in which anyone may come to find their truest selves and bask
in the prayers of peace.

Mata Amritanandamayi Devi (Mother of Immortal Bliss), Ammachi (beloved
mother), or simply "Amma" (mother), has been giving of herself in
unconditional love since a very early age to help the poor and suffering
of our world. One description of her early years reads, "Some villagers
called her 'the crazy girl' given that she worked and sang in longing
worship, often slipping into profound God-intoxicated states." This
alone is enough to attract my attention and presence, although many
friends and acquaintances simply melt into their own bliss upon speaking
her name and of meetings with her in our conversations - another sign
that this time I must make the very short pilgrimage to her ashram to
receive darshan and be in that atmosphere.

I am invited by a friend to go, and we drive out to pick up other
passengers at the train station (they strongly discourage less than full
cars as parking is limited). We wait, and no one comes, save a few cars
also looking for passengers. A train unloads again and we scour the
station looking for fellow travelers. I am a bit discouraged that we are
finding no one - is no one else going to receive the mother's blessings?

I turn, unexpectedly, to find an amazingly cute hippie boy standing next
to me, smiling, carrying an armload of belongings. "Are you needing a
ride to see Amma?" I ask. He simply continues smiling, and nods his
head. My friend returns to the car, delighted to find a rider, and away
we go.

Our rider is very peaceful and mellow. He has just returned from a long,
adventurous stay in the wilderness on a vision quest. For this, he has
taken very few belongings, mostly blankets and spiritual books. He falls
ill, and finds a meditation center in the woods that, while on retreat,
takes him in and nurses him to health. He shares some of his food
rations with us, and we wind through the starry canyon, guided by the
beaming, bright full moon ringed by a silvery halo.

It is clear on arrival that over a thousand people will be here tonight.
We are relatively early, and already the shoe racks show signs of
hundreds. The main temple building is beautiful, with logpoles and
finely finished wooden decks. Tables are scattered about, some providing
information about Ammachi and her charities, others with pictures of
Amma at various events, receiving a peace award, quotes; still others
will be open later during darshan, selling goods that will help fund
Amma's charities.

We line up to receive our tokens for darshan. Because so many people
attend during the week, the tokens are a logistic necessity to keep
order and flow to the darshan line. I will describe my experience of
"darshan" momentarily.

At first I feel a bit disconnected, as I often do in large crowds,
though continued to receive support from the calm, friendly, and
spiritually charged atmosphere of the ashram. I begin speaking with a
gentleman behind me in the line who is from Peru, and here in the States
for several months to meet with Native American elders and medicine men.
He describes his homeland and tribe, and draws parallels to the Native
American tribes he has encountered. He tells me of a young pagan from
Sonoma County (near where I live) that he traveled with briefly, and
their plans of acquiring land to start a teaching community. He takes my
number and says he will pass it along to his friend, with the intention
of connecting like minds.

I receive my token, number 224 - I think this is high, but later find
tokens being distributed in the 1200 range! I mill about the crowd, and
talk with my Ayurvedic practicioner, who sadly (for me, anyway) is
moving to the East Coast. The dinner line has closed, and I have just
enough time to scurry up to the snack bar and enjoy a piece of vegan
pumpkin pie - yum! - before the program begins.

I rush back downstairs, and perhaps commit sacrilege by scurrying down
the main aisle like a sheepish mouse. Most have gathered and lined this
main aisleway for Amma's arrival. She is coming! I find my cushion and
lay down my belongings, then turn to face the doorway. It is five
minutes or more before she comes, and people are chanting for the
arrival of the mother. Some are smiling, some eyes closed in meditation,
some nervous in anticipation, some calm and still as the deep ocean.

I slip into and out of a meditative state, sometimes chanting
mechanically, sometimes touched by the devotion of those around me to
their guru, sometimes self-conscious and looking around the room,
sometimes distracted by the two beautiful longhaired boys that have
caught my eye. Oh, to be both a spiritual and mundane being!

Amma enters the ashram and is presented with flowers and something I
cannot see. She watches with benevolent interest. A little boy greets
her, and many laugh; I am too far back to see what transpires. Amma
comes down the aisle and touches the hands of many as she passes. Her
calm radiant energy sets the tone for the rest of the evening. She makes
her way onto the stage and looks onto her devotees and others who have
come to partake in this ceremony. Her smile could touch and warm even
the coldest, hardest of hearts.

The program begins with satsang, a spiritual talk or lecture, by a swami
in her company. This man may be a swami, I am not sure. His words were
inspiring, and he often relays teachings of Amma herself. Like most
teachings of this kind, I do not hear anything particularly new, but
rather it is like unlocking old wisdom stored in the viscera of the
body, coming to the surface for reexamination, pondering, and possible
emanation into the world.

Ammachi speaks next in her mother tongue, translated by another swami.
She tells many stories, some of them quite humorous, which exemplify the
nature of selfless love, service, and devotion to life and to God. They
were pertinent in the moment, though as usual two days later I cannot
recall specific stories.

Then the musicians lead the crowd in singing bhajans, chants and
devotional songs. The tabla player is fantastic, driving the rhythm as
it speeds up and slows down with keen precision. A very cute boy plays
finger cymbals. Two beautiful women accompany Amma as she leads, and a
troupe of men do the same. Another plays an accordion-like instrument
for which I don't have the name. This combination makes for an expansive
spiritual space for singing and meditation. Again, I am slipping into
and out of a divine state, distracted again by the lower desires of the
mundane being, especially the one with the long red hair and narrow
chin!

Amma seems to come into and out of a state of divine grace easily,
leading the song and keeping time, then flinging her arms and face
toward the heavens as if opening the whole room to the influx of God
energy.

Only one of the bhajans is familiar to me, "Om nama Shivaya." The chorus
of another that has stuck in my mind all week is:

   Krsna krsna giridhari
   Krsna krsna vanamali
   Krsna krsna danujari

praising, of course, Lord Krishna.

I have many intense moments of connection to the timeless nature, and
also of feeling my being fill with love, compassion, and soft glowing
light. I had many moments of insight and realization.

Coming back down to the visceral body, a very beautiful boy that
resembled a young Bob Weir was sitting close in front of me. At one
moment, I saw that I had desire for him, or for some closeness to a boy
of his like, that was quite strong. I came to my body, closed my eyes,
and witnessed thought drop, desire fall away, time become meaningless. A
few moments later, I slowly opened my eyes, which fell upon the boy. I
saw that there was no desire, no attachment, no interference from the
personality. This was a powerful insight into myself and into truth.

As the bhajans finish, a small fire ceremony happens in front of
Ammachi. It finishes when she runs her hand through the flame and
brushes over her planetary body. The hall resonates with three "OM"s. A
meditation begins, led by one of the swamis. There is a silent time.

We emerge from our trance. The lights fill the hall. Darshan begins.
Darshan is a Sanskrit term describing an audience with a saint or sage.
In ancient tradition, darshan consisted merely of the sighting of a holy
person. Ammachi breaks from this tradition and gives darshan as a long
hug. Many have described for me the transformational power of her touch
in this way.

Over a thousand people are here tonight, so darshan will last until at
least 3 or 4 in the morning! We are lucky to have low numbers in the
line. Both my friend and I are famished at this point. Fortunately the
dinner line has just opened, so we make way out into the fresh air and
moonlit night to another building where hundreds are already gathering
for a late meal.

There are two lines, marked "Western Food" and "Indian Food." The
latter, of course, has a much longer line, and is the one we are
certainly headed for. The food is healthy, vegetarian, fresh, full of
prana, and inexpensive - six dollars for a large plate with tea and
other amenities. We sit with a woman from Colorado who's just come from
retreat with Ammachi in Michigan. Very friendly and warm person. I take
some time in silence to eat and digest, and write my experiences in my
journal. I see a friend and former circle mate briefly, as well as my
Ayurvedic practicioner again, who has been serving food.

Throughout the week, attendees are invited to do seva (pronounced "save-
ah"), or service work. This may be parking cars, janitorial service,
serving food, or other jobs. It takes a lot of love and effort to host,
feed, and navigate this many people for a whole week!

We return to the main building and place our shoes again on the racks.
Just as we enter, they change the number range to 250 - we can get in
line. All around us people are milling about, browsing the shop and
purchasing goods, getting information, talking, meditating, smiling,
releasing, or simply sitting still and beholding Amma's presence as she
gives darshan. The musicians sing and play. A long-winded person makes
an announcement about the parking situation. There is silence. And then
there is singing again.

As I approach Ammachi in the line, I begin to feel some anticipation and
nervous energy. I remember a beautiful conversation with my friend Clare
about having no expectations, and simply receiving what is given. I keep
this with me as I move forward. I reflect on aspects of my life where
change is warranted, areas where I wish support, and I look at perceived
gaps and inadequacies so that they may be open, vulnerable, to receive
Amma's love and blessing.

Ammachi is radiant and divine as she hugs the couple (simultaneously) in
front of me, and her face lights up with joy. Then a man in the crowd
around her speaks to her in her own language, and she looks up to
respond. It is almost as though two friends are joking with each other,
and I wonder - is she paying any attention to the two creatures planted
firmly in her bosom? Of course she is, she does not function in this
world as you and I, but walks between the worlds, a seer among the
nations, in touch with you and I and God simultaneously, knowing there
is no difference. She looks back down to her recipients, strokes their
heads and shoulders, and whispers in their ears. That quickly she shifts
from a conversation to being a channel for divine power and grace.

She receives me while talking again, plants my head on her chest. I
place my hand on her chair for support, become comfortable, and let go
of any notion of myself, my ego, my thoughts. Whose self? Whose ego?
Whose thoughts? Only love fills my being. She chants in my ear, which
sounds like a child babbling, but it feels like a message from the gods
is entering me. Only later do I realize that she may be giving me a
mantra, without my really knowing, something which she may do for people
at Devi Bhava (a larger, more ceremonial gathering at the ashram at the
end of her visit).

She gives me a slight push back so that I see her face, which lights up
in radiance. I whisper, "Namaste," and she touches my forehead and
smiles. I walk away, unable to really focus on the ground in front of
me, so I find a safe space to sit in meditation. I feel the coolness on
my forehead, brought on I think by cold water - I spied a bowl of ice
and water next to Amma. The sensation allowed me to sink deeper into a
sixth chakra meditation, and filled me with gratitude for life and the
capability of each of us to experience divine grace in each moment. We
are all God, we merely do not believe in our minds that we are this,
timelessly.

I circulate around the room and browse through the "Ammachi shopping
mall." I know I'm being cynical, but some items I just didn't
understand, like an Ammachi doll that looked like a Cabbage Patch Kid. I
did buy a few paper items, including a picture of Ammachi with her eyes
closed, holding a brass bowl of fire, performing what appears to be a
puja. She now graces my fire altar.

We tolled out into the silvery moonlight to howl, watch for meteors
(there was a meteor shower last night), and then drive home. How quickly
I see that I slip back into the mechanical mode of life, yet my visit
with her somehow stayed with me, around me, enfolding me in peace and
joy, sending me into a restful sleep.

This visit with Ammachi touched me on some level that is still unfolding
and revealing its blessing. It has opened up many questions. What is
spirituality? What is devotion? Who are teachers? Why are spiritual
retreats necessary? Can a person have many spiritual paths or teachers,
or just one? What is the purpose of meditation? Many of the questions I
may have thought I knew the answer to, or had a direct personal
experience of the question, but my experience this evening has left me
with much room for pondering and deeper insight. However and whenever
the answers come, I know that many new questions will arise with them.

This still leaves the question, "Who is Ammachi?" The love of the divine
has passed through her and into me. I know that I will see her again.


"When somebody is suffering, we should sympathize with him. But that is
not enough; we should be ready to help him because God is everywhere, in
everything. When we develop compassion and love His grace will
spontaneously flow into us."  -- Ammachi



(c)2002 by Shaggy