Dance. Expression. Early one Saturday morning, sleepless in San Francisco.
An increasing array of longhaired and beautiful men. One with his girlfriend, swirling, full body dancing, Yoga like movements, limber, strong, floating into and out of his girlfriend, lifting her, graceful, so delicious to watch. Hot, no chest hair, defined chest and abdomen, but not beefy. Just so nice and hot. Raising up from the floor, his girlfriend bent over backwards, a body sculpture. His face comes to her crotch, the erotic pheromones explode into the room. His new position changes their mutual center of gravity, she comes upright with arms stretched overhead. He ducks between her legs and lifts her, she falls forward toward the floor. Catches herself, falls into what could be a yoga posture, he lays back down, their bodies merge into one.
Someone I've met before and almost connected with comes, dances with another boy who may well be his boyfriend. Strange, he mostly ignores me, I say hello and smile. He gives a half-hug and asks what's up. What's up? Are we in high school? No, I say happy weekend to you. He doesn't get it. Awkward, so I simple resume dancing without expending any more effort on the matter. I flash back to running into him at Folsom Fair some time ago, I say hello, he doesn't recognize me at first because I'm in full leather and very non-Dance Jam :) (Funny, the first and only time I've worn a leather outfit. But I digress.)
Lately I have been feeling very lonely, and wanted to dance that out of my body. To draw in focused, unified energy, the energy of earth and connectedness. This definitely happened, but certain points also exacerbated my feeling of loneliness and separation. Watching people laugh, talk, gossip, dance together, smile, gaze into each other's eyes, real connection. I did connect with several people, and am blessed by their presence in my evening.
What hits home the most in the loneliness is the desire to share my experiences, like my Dance Jam experiences, with a partner, a soul brother, mutually supportive, dancing together, singing together, exploring the erotic ecstatic as much as possible, understanding each other and ourselves, growing together, evolving, being in work and self- reflection while having that support and sharing. Knowing that I want this for myself takes it to a deeper level of desire. Frustration comes when I see that time and time again that desire goes unfulfilled, the partnership unmanifest, not even a hint of it anywhere. Meeting men and boys all over and either not connecting, not having reciprocation, and often meeting heart-centered and open men who are heterosexual and not open to erotic intimacy. And while such a situation would be most ecstatic and high, I really can't have a lasting relationship with a straight man. And maybe not even a bisexual man. So am I picky or what? Heh heh. I choose the Ultimate, the Highest of High, the prince of night and day, moonlight and sunshine, green and red, vegetable and animal, the wave nature of ecstacy embodied in the pure particular, substantial form of a divine boy. Where is he? Waar is hij? Is hij in het Nederland? Waarom leer ik anders het Nederlands spreken?
One thing that hurt today and set up the loneliness factor was going to the far end of the train station in hopes I would see this cute longhaired boy, seeing him, having him walk past but look at me, me be oblivious to this at first. Then arriving at our station, walking out near each other, he stops to tie his shoe so that I walk on by, but we're far enough apart that speaking felt awkward, so we both walk away, and right as we split directions - me toward the street and he toward the parking lot, we look in each other's direction but then turn and walk away. I go to my car and drive down to 38th because I know that's how he's walking home, I have the window down and pass him as he walks, but I don't look over. Why? Where did that come from? How can I not judge it? Is there a lesson in this? Or is it even worth analyzing, since the opportunity is past? What even happened to "be in the moment"? No matter how many times I am reminded and re-taught to capture the opportunity and just manifest, without question or idea, just manifest, that the capability of doing so just seems impossible. Not possible, because the universe doesn't require my approval to manifest. Just does. So why does this shit happen time after time? My friend Stacie sings a song called "When Will I Learn?" I think I should go find it and play it.
Next found myself inside a cob structure drumming with the most beautiful brother. Sharing rhythm, stories, songs, breathing, vibrating, toning. This is becoming a regular and most peaceful, high vibe in the Friday plan, a nice segue from the working day into Dance Jam, and a beautiful treasure trove of rhythmic healing. The notion of separateness is still present but relaxed somewhat. Didn't help to watch him framed in the night sky with the waxing moon winking Her eye behind him, his djembe strapped between his legs, a portrait of the Animal prince raging hard at the turn of Spring. Unh! Work with being present, without those thoughts, and let the purity of being speak for itself.
The band tonight was good, not the best I've heard them but great variation from the main dance floor. Lots of spinning... I once got so off-center and dizzy that I just spiralled into the floor and lay there for about five minutes trying to reintegrate into my body. Letting go of judgment and wondering whether others are watching and giving a shit about it. As Billy described having his moment in the spotlight, strutting his stuff like he never had before, then opening his eyes and realizing that no one was watching. Work like you don't need the money, love like you've never been hurt, *Dance* like nobody's watching.
Written 4/28/01
by Shaggy