Once again I find myself in the roller coaster ride of the dance jam. Tonight I made my way there at a later hour, 10:30 or so, very easy to criticize myself for not taking control of my day and getting into my desired sacred space sooner.. but I let that go, it is extra and unneeded. Tonight, no one has smashed into a power pole and decked the power for two city blocks.. oh darn, so we have electricity tonight :)
So the vibe is different. There is light, perhaps too bright coming from the entry hallway.. the music is a welcome thing and I've been looking forward to it, despite the magickal energy of last week's drum circle, didjeridu, and vocal weirdness and wildness. But I made sure to retain that energy for myself, to get back there, to slip into that special atmosphere with myself and treat myself to the magick of the mountaintop, a dance to Air which brings winds racing through my long blond hair, and waves of ecstacy overtake me in an etheric charge.
At first I sit on the side, watching people come and go, twirl and whirl, lie on the floor in a contact improv jam, or stand leaning into each other and falling all over the place. Almost no one is doing yoga, few people are running around the room with rolled back eyes all blissed out with trance dance leading its participant to samadhi. Did we change cities? Still, this is the quintessential Berkeley experience. Over the course of the eve, two beautiful longhaired men in a sarong and very cool pants twirl and whirl together, one of whom shares his energy with me albeit briefly in our leaping twirling hair dance.. a marvelous sister falls to the ground in lament over something, wailing her heart out, the flood gates open, emotional release. Good for you, sister! A few folks sit with her and hold her, we are behind them and I greive with them vicariously. But I am laughing hysterically, because my body is present and I feel all of it, rolling on the floor, modified contact improv with my sister, Zahara, whom I wrote about in the last journal.
She and I passed briefly upon my arrival, an odd reception after last week's magick moments. We soon circle up for announcements, they are much fewer this week and less impassioned. We all agree that last week was very special and unique, so it sets for me that it's okay that this week has a totally different vibe. They will try and discuss the "lights out" theme at their next meeting, but it may be awhile before the electric-less dance jam occurs on a regular basis.
The dance circle was very small, unlike last week's, which encompassed EVERYBODY. I did not join, as my body felt like sitting and smiling and soaking it all in.
I found myself doing a bit of self Breema, which really fit the mood very well, helped me keep a strong taste of my body, and let me experience so many Breema principles (single moment, single activity; whole body participates; particularly with body comfortable, though I violated this a number of times and my back feels a bit thrown off as a result). I am not sure if this is a Breema principle directly, but follows well, which is single continuous motion. I came to this one on my own at the Ashkenaz some weeks ago, as I felt my movements being separated out into discrete and continuous motions. I mused that discrete motions can lead to all sorts of bodily problems, if not executed gently, and that the ideal and most nourishing way to move the body is in continuous motion. (I am of course violating that now typing on the keyboard, very jerky discrete movements that, I dunno, lead to repetitive strain injuries in so many people??)
There are always lovely boys and men at the dance jam, and tonight I found myself playing with that energy. In the case of the beautiful longhaired man with cool pants (yum), our energy fields passed in a playful way but we never really met each other. Another astonishing lad and I kept seeming to find common dance space, and I could not discern whether he was flirting with me. So in the traditional fashion, as it would become more apparent that I was checking him out and playing in his space, he would move to the other side of the room. Rather than be disappointed, I laughed and laughed, pleased at my ability to discern my own energy and read that of others. Maybe he is a bi boy, but at the end of the night he and a lady with whom I think he came to the jam were rolling on the floor in a contact improv delight of their own, deep kissing and rubbing in a way beyond mere friendly expression, so my energy reads were correct. (I don't find the word "gaydar" appropriate to use here.)
So anyway, sister Zahara and I meet again, and without any real mental action go into a contact session that really doesn't end until an hour and a half later, when the whole evening comes to a close. We lean, rub, massage, dance, trance, whirl, lay on the dance floor, roll over each other, lay sole to sole and move our legs and bodies in a way that makes me laugh riotously at the improbability of the event, the freshness, expressiveness, and sheer joy of the moment. Eventually we rise up to sitting, and after a long hug with deep breaths and vibrations (beginning with OM and rising into other harmonies), we begin toning (see the last journal) to the music.. which now is middle eastern in flavor with magnificent drumming. I combine the vocal tones with rhythmic slaps on the floor, vocalizing maracas and a rain stick, while Zahara changed her vocal tones to have an infinitely dimensional character. I joined in, finding places in my voice that I never knew existed, and really toned them out to make them my own, to refine them, to let my voice express the true nature of the music in my core. (I really, really want to do this with my bass guitar, as I've been able to do with drumming a number of times, particularly during vitamin x-periments.) More contact improv rolling on the floor, which actually hurt my ribs, pelvis, and back somewhat, as I have no padding on those places (I'm skinny as a rail, as my father would say). Then I gave Zahara a good massage in some places she pointed out as needing it, which was a cross between Breema and deep tissue massage (an odd combination, I guess more at the principle of firmness and gentleness). I was able to incorporate several sequences I learned at the Center, which were well-received by the lovely recipient as she lay in the middle of the dance floor with trippy music swirling around us. In what other dance club can you lay in the middle of the dance floor, people courteously moving around you, and do bodywork while simultaneously dancing, drumming, and singing?
I so look forward to the day when I can connect so fully on this level and in this space with a boy with whom I discover our mutual psychism and past, and discover every day anew our relationship as soulmates.
Next week begins the Breema summer intensive - 14 days in a row of bodywork.. aaaah! I'll be hallucinating by the end of the second or third day, I can just see it now! All I ask at the base is that I come out the other side transformed, for the greater good of all.. more alive, full, present, psychic, integrated than I have ever been. Some folks who will be at the intensive know about dance jam, and we plan to go as a group next Friday night. I can't wait. Contact improv is like so much Breema to me, and dancing there gives me a fabulous opportunity to do Breema on myself (and others! Yay! :) and come to a deeper sense of Breema principles. I'm sure we'll have a delightful time. The more I come to this place, the less apprehension I have about going there, the less excuses I give to myself about why NOT to go, oh I'm tired I have to get up early my tummy hurts blah blah blah... I encourage everyone now to find a nurturing space for themselves and go to it often, and return the support to others when it is needed.
Blessed be.
(posted by Shaggy, 7/31/99)