I am trying to get into a writing space, not because I have nothing really to say but because I have everything to say.. and typing words at a keyboard lacks so much of the passion I have felt over the past few weeks. Emotions, new ideas, principles which I am trying to deepen for myself, discovering new aspects of myself, reconnecting with old aspects in a new way, uncovering identity for myself... what a joy! What a journey! It's been a weird few weeks, to say the least. It first began by getting out of school for the summer - drawing completion to the first year of my graduate studies. To say nothing of those experiences, for that would take many separate journals, the time "off" has been wonderful, confusing, frustrating, growing... the necessary attention to research has waned considerably as I've gone forward in discovering myself, my journey, bringing new things, tools, and people into my life to support me on that journey.
A strange and wonderful set of experiences began washing over me during Pride weekend. But they didn't start with Pride, but rather at a two-day intensive studying Breema bodywork. I could write a whole separate section on Breema, and my deepening experiences with it, but in short here I will say that I have found my work, an incredible support for myself, and a unique and healing gift to share with everyone. The treatments and self-Breema we learned were fabulous, I met so many wonderful and loving people that weekend, and really gained a greater taste for myself of Breema principles. Moreover, by the end of the weekend, every touch, every hold, every brush of a treatment became an opportunity for psychic opening, and in rushed numerous visions, visual journeys, hallucinations that often were not unreal. I could sense my own energy shifting, moving through my partner, and their energy moving through me. Again, words are just not capturing the essence, and the writing of this is kind of prompting me to stop. Guess I should fight that urge :)
Moving on into the city for Pride, I met up with a friend from Santa Cruz and we migrated into the Castro. I had plenty of preconceived notions about the Castro, and having been there a few times before for large events, expected Pink Saturday to reveal all the stereotypes and, well, just not feel much like home. Let the games begin; the street party was HUGE! This is a party that ensues the Saturday before the Gay and Lesbian Pride Parade each yaer, following the Dyke March (which was loads of fun). Fabulous dinner, with a DJ coincidentally set up in front of the restaurant spinning loud and lively dance music. It's not Phish, but it's danceable, so we had a few minutes to get a groove on before our table was ready. Already I'm seeing some very attractive boys!
After dinner, the streets were becoming filled with queers, yay! So after watching the cute boys twirl fire to everyone's amazement, I danced with my friends and then disappeared into the crowd. I love going to gatherings, concerts, parties, etc. with friends, but I also need my space and my time with myself. My beautiful longhaired kind-hearted friend David had made some fabulous flyers for HipFaerie, my website, which under a kooky and fun experience at Krishna Copy I spun off onto dandy bright colored paper. So I dropped a handful into my back pocket and gave them to a few people, to see how it felt to approach random strangers and give them something. But it wasn't actually random, it was a good "gimmick" for getting over the shyness of approaching cute boys! But for the most part, I handed them out without getting into conversations and meeting people. Oh well, at least they had the address to the website.
Things began to change, however. While meandering through the diverse crowd of bizarrely dressed, over-energized people, thinking "Oh my Goddess, where am I again? What's going on here?", I took notice of two amazing men sent queerly to us from the Star Goddess at the origin of the Universe.. they were perched atop a Muni bus stop at the corner of 18th and Castro Streets, holding each other, making out. Long, blond hair, piercing eyes, sweet smiles... I hid myself in the crowd to just watch them in amazement. Could this be a mirage? Does this really happen? I lived six years in Atlanta, where this was forbidden to happen - happening only in my wildest fantasies. And here they were, in material form! I passed by once or twice, and then again closer to catch their eye. They looked, and smiled! A ray of sunshine fell down upon me, holding me transfixed, transporting me into the paradise of longhaired men who radiate kindness. I passed on, a bit shy still, wondering if I was really at home asleep on the sofa. Remembering that I had no excuse not to meet them, for I had a stack of pretty flyers, I strolled back by and handed them two, which were received with the same warm sun's rays. Not knowing what to say, still stunned, I passed on into the crowd. Danced, sang out loud to myself, skipped like a happy little boy, gave out some flyers, then meandered back by the bus stop to marvel again at the two non-Castro figures in the Castro.. making out atop a Muni bus stop. So writing my phone number on the back of another flyer, hoping to show more than an advertising interest, I went back. One of them crooked his finger and said, "Come up here." Thinking that I should run - from what? - at this point, I tried to find for myself reasons not to climb up. Too stoned, just had a beer - come on up, he said. No, it's okay, we'll help you. The gifts to the queer world from the Gods want to help me climb up on a Muni bus stop to be with them. All the goodness of my weekend, my deepening of Breema principles, myself learning to give myself some credit and be open to new things and gifts, and to feel worthy of receiving the light of Existence.. all of them supported me in that moment to go be with my bliss. But these fellows weren't removed from reality, some dream unreachable, but very kind souls, whom in time I will no doubt get to know better, who took a chance to reveal more of themselves to me and made effort to find out more about me. It wasn't an ephemeral vision, a quirk in the space-time continuum; we've actually stayed in contact. And so for that moment we reveled in all that was happening, danced on the bus stop, attracted other longhaired men, and ended up on many, many rolls of other people's film, who were just as amazed as I was that several longhaired men were dancing and laughing on top of a Muni bus stop - in the Castro of San Francisco.
We closed the party out, which didn't afford any of us much sleep before
meeting for brunch before the Pride Parade. The Parade itself was lots of
fun, though less bawdy than last year's parade. The highlights for me were
P-FLAG, which evoked many a tear - what an astounding group of people. Three
HipFaerie cheers! The Radical Faeries, where my heart indeed lay, and made me
wish I had marched alongside Harry Hay, the Parade's Grand Marshal - Goddess
and God bless him. Please pause even if for a second to send along some
healing and energizing light to Harry. Recognized several fine Fey brothers
and sisters, and got all glittered in their passing! The screaming
quasi-metal group that passed, whose lead singer was an utterly beautiful boy
with really long, dark hair wearing leather. Our entourage neared collapse!
Many AIDS service organizations, Project Open Hand and its founder, the
Medical Marijuana folks and Dennis Peron, the Department of Public Works
("Hey, that's the lady who sweeps our street! HI! YAY!
Into the festival.. out of the 600,000+ people, I run into lots of folks that
I know, including one of my new roommates. Why do I write on so about
seemingly small things? Because the things I'm writing about seem to NEVER
happen to ME. I take great joy in the miraculous change of events of this
weekend! So we first find the Radical Faerie contingent and spread our
blankets in the shade of the few trees in the park. After lounging and
obtaining food, I get uptight about letting the whole day go by without
delivering my HipFaerie flyers to the LYRIC booth
(Lavender Youth Recreation
and Information Center, San Francisco). So I run off to do just that,
and end up giving flyers to and talking with all manner of really kind,
interesting boys. The lady at the LYRIC booth was super. Encountered boys
seemingly at random who already knew who I was! I was just radiating energy,
beaming, being a fully open channel for the light of Existence to come
pouring through. It showed, I glowed, I had so..much..fun!
My intent was then to migrate over to LYRIC's space in the Castro for their
open house. Along the way, I encountered old friends, made new friends, and
the experiences just kept coming! At LYRIC I made a few new friends,
including a really cool Wiccan boy with bright eyes and a kind heart. I
started a game of Twister which ended in a stalemate, and then a few people
got a bit crazy with a canister of glitter, so we closed that party with a
sparkling room which the unfortunate volunteers were left to clean. I still
feel bad about that, but I wasn't the one responsible for the dispersal, so I
don't feel too bad. Hopefully Mario didn't burn my flyers, and they actually
made their way into the literature distribution. You should stop by there
sometime!
Three of us then sat beside a small garden and talked for awhile, connected,
went dancing off into the beams of the waxing, pregnant moon. Then we met up
with our other Pride partners-in-mischief at The Pilsner, which was odd
considering I don't go to gay bars. Fun and sometimes heady conversation
ensued. My connection with a faerie friend continued to deepen. There at the
bar, I lay my head across his chest and listened to his heartbeat. It
triggered a power energy in me, to which I found a sound, which resonated as
an OM. It sounded somewhat strange resonating in his chest, then feeding back
to my ear.. he began matching it with his own audible vibration, and in the
coming moments our vibrations began to approach each other. When you tune a
stringed instrument, and you approach the correct tuning while plucking a
reference string (if you tune a guitar by ear, you know what I mean), you
hear a "warble" indicating that you are a few Hertz off-tune. We began to
feel that warbling, and it was hard to get right on tune (we need practice),
but that was such a powerful moment!
Having formed a connection over the weekend, my friend and I later sat on a
hillside under the light of the full moon, drumming and chanting, honoring
Her fullness and basking in Her light. We realized the growing intensity of
our mutual psychism and explored it. We shared our desires for community, for
deep, meaningful connections with people, and the hope that more people would
come to realize their own inner power, their innate ability to shape their
lives and effect change. No one is a slave to anything, we are agents of our
own free will. My friend was leaving for awhile, embarking on a journey of
self-discovery that may or may not allow him to return to the Bay Area. So we
reveled in moonlight, our own erotic energy and the pursuit of the ecstatic,
the primal knowledge transmitted through drumming. I cast a full circle with
invocations of specific deities to send him merrily, safely, and fully on his
journey. I have longed for years to be in that moment, with a brother whose
heart was open to mine, to ruthlessly cast off everything and be pure light
with my brother, heart to heart, skin to skin, soul to soul... the memory of
those moments wrote itself into my fabric. Our psychism allows continued
connection. The fleeting moments, the ephemeral connections, the tastes of
happiness that leave our mouths dry.. we know we can do without them in
pursuit of our hearts' desires, and can draw those fulfilling relationships
into our lives. That is what he seeks on his journey. That is what I am
seeking on mine now. That marvelous night of ritual let us send our mutual
intent orgasmically into the Universe. She listened. And as time unfurls it
strange and iridescent banner, she is answering.
Pride was very rewarding, healing, and life-changing, and I've made lots of
new friends. I've wanted these people in my life for so long, good solid
connections with kind and open-hearted people with whom I can be myself,
share myself, without barriers or restrictions. I've spent too much of my
life keeping myself from others, withholding my gifts, being shy and closing
up in my shell. The work I'm doing with myself now is to transform that into
something shining and wonderful. Over Pride weekend, the transformations
really pronounced themselves. What I seek now, and what I'm finding in these
friendships, in Breema, in my magick work, is support for these experiences
to deepen, to keep coming, to teach me, heal me, help me grow.
Thank you for reading, and may you find loving support for all your
experiences!
Shaggy
July 12, 1999