Shows, Connections, and Fulfillment
[This is an essay I wrote sometime in '97 after returning home
from a rather powerful drum circle of about fourty folks. Although
it captures a slice in time over a year ago, I think many of the
feelings I explored then live on, and perhaps live on for some of
my fair readers as well. --Shaggy, 11/98]
Shows have an ethereal, transcendental quality that can
only be experienced and fully understand first-hand. There
are so many fascinating and beautiful people. Going into
the whole experience, I anticipate forming bonds with
family. Yet those bonds get glued only infrequently.
Transience is disappointing.
What I really dig are depthful and mind-boggling
conversations like the one with Cap at the drum circle. The
world seems to melt away into the infinite, and all thought
and feeling are rooted in spirit. We recognize the limits
of language, and seek alternative ways to connect and
communicate. Cap and I were able to achieve this, to a
large degree. This heightened level of communication is
what I hope to find at shows, for I know that here roam like-
minded individuals who are capable of achieving that level.
But as with Cap, these connects seem random and spontaneous;
almost as if I go to the shows with “a plan” in mind, the
plan is destined to go awry. Forming these bonds is not too
much to ask; I am simple, and seek only resonance with
others in my walk. Yet something so simple becomes
something so seemingly difficult. Sadness. Loneliness.
These emotions can easily rise from the disillusioning
feeling of walking away “empty-handed.”
This is not to say that I always walk away empty-handed.
Indeed, sometimes the experience is quite satisfying and
fulfilling. Then, too, that is not to say that there have
been times when I have felt no sadness or loneliness after
descending from the proverbial mountain, for indeed I think
that longing, or whatever it is, is always present. So
perhaps I am seeking some kind of physical, emotional, and
spiritual fulfillment, and when I leave unfulfilled, I am
sad. It is important to recognize, however, that
individuals and experiences that fulfill all these facets of
humanity/being are rare indeed. So fulfillment comes in
bits and pieces, which might be scattering.
Yet no person or thing can bring a sense of wholeness
to body, mind, and spirit. That must come from within. I
often feel like I need to refine myself, make myself whole,
“get my shit together” as it were, before anyone else will
mesh into the whole of my being. This opens up a host of
self-examination and even self-consciousness.
One of the pertinent sources of disappointment comes
from missed opportunities. There are things I want to do
and say that for some unknown reason I prevent myself from
experiencing. Hesitancy. Perhaps born of shyness? Lack of
assertiveness? The mind is a powerful being. On several
occasions recently I have seen opportunities to do something
I know deep down I wanted, yet my hesitancy to act
immediately and without question resulted in blatant shut-
down of those opportunities. I stopped to analyze the
situation, think logically about what I would say, how I
would approach someone, and in that time the opportunity was
gone. Twice at the ARU show, at least twice at the drum
circle... at the latter, the power of the place amplified
the effect. Yet sometimes when I try to seize the
opportunity I make a mess of it; I don’t know what to do or
say. I think the first step in overcoming the barrier is
conscious awareness. Be aware when opportunities are
present and ripe for the taking. If they are missed, at
least I know what was going on throughout the experience
rather than experiencing disconnected confusion after-the-
fact. I did want so dearly to know if Cap was queer, but
didn’t know how to frame the question; after our initial
conversation I decided that letting the spirit flow and
turning off the hyperanalytical mind was the best approach.
The question just came out easily and he answered just as
easily. With that done, we went on with our conversation.
Positive experiences like that affirm what it is like to be
assertive and unafraid, and trusting of my instincts and
feelings. Overcoming shyness or reservedness means tackling
a lot of unpleasant social constructs and ignoring
assumptions that might prevent me from really getting to
know someone - from gluing those bonds.
The show is one of discovery - of elements of life that
are otherwise missing. The colors, smells, sensory overload
really... all of which are bound to disappear upon
conclusion of the show. The circus moves on. New things
and people discovered are only transient; in a few hours,
the fascinations will be absent. The whole place is like an
escape, yet very real, very easy to get swirled into... Is
that to say that the “mountain” is merely an escape? Hardly;
it is a place to explore, learn, share, exchange knowledge
and wisdom, grow, evolve even. Sadness prevails when the
raised veil of the otherworld - the world of the show - with
its pie-balled jesters, flower children, sea of shirtless
granola boys, and peaceable happenings, gets dismantled at
the end of the night, packed into the proverbial VW bus and
sent out on the road to the next show. The veil down, I see
around me the world as it was before, the bland environs,
the unstimulating academia, and a sense of sameness.
Everything is the same. Little has changed, except within
me. I am on fire, while the world around me ticks like a
clock, seemingly unaffected by the magick just made. Look
at what happened here! Can’t you still feel it? It’s fucking
gorgeous!!! No response. I envision myself dancing gaily
down the street in a flowing skirt, singing Sesame Street
songs, doling out flowers and hugs indiscriminantly to
passersby. I am on fire. Who’s that freak? Get him off
the streets! say the boring businessmen darting to and fro
between clients’ offices. I keep trying to convince myself
that I alone can appreciate the magick, its effect on me,
and the expressions that result. Having someone to share
all this with, someone who’s there - someone who
understands - would lend to that fulfillment of body, mind,
and spirit.
Return to Essays page